Transcript of A Journey of Transition: Carolyne's Story - Part Three
I thought I would find the writing and recording of Part Two emotional, and so it proved to be, particularly recalling more recent events, where I shed a tear or two.
And along with sadness, the recording of the episode was a nightmare, ticking the stress and anxiety boxes, due to some technical issues that resulted in 57 edit points, a record I really hope I do not repeat.
I may again follow a somewhat non-linear narrative, as thinking about recent past events, could prompt memories of even earlier ones.
Welcome to “Trans Wise Trans Strong”, I am Carolyne O’Reilly.
Episode twelve, “A Journey of Transition - Carolyne’s Story - Part Three”
Before I had decided on Christmas Day 2018 to begin transitioning, I had found several months earlier some helpful internal advice for BBC members of staff who decide to transition, and reading this finally prompted me to consider transitioning.
Also, after a bit of research I came across, The Beaumont Society, founded in 1966, which is the UK’s longest established transgender support group, and I decided to join.
The application form asked for my feminine name, I first thought about the female version of my birth name, my deadname, but I really wanted to break from my unauthentic self.
I decided to fill the application in the New Year, and in the mean time, the name Caroline came to mind, and I like how it sounded, but why did it come to mind, then the next day I realised, it was the first name of someone we have met before, Caroline Cossey.
I worried anyone who knew about Caroline might think I had copied her name, but I really liked it, and I checked the BBC’s email address book and found many Caroline’s ending, “ine”, but only three, ending “yne”, and I like how the latter looked written down, so decided to spell my name, C.A.R.O.L.Y.N.E.
Unfortunately, it can be pronounced, "CAR-uh-lyn”, as well as CAR-uh-line", and I am often called by the former, oh well at least it’s a talking point.
I described my former name as my deadname, origin of which according to the OED, is a 2010 Twitter post, and to be deadnamed, is when a trans or non-binary person is referred to by their former name, and deadnaming could be considered a form of hate speech.
So by joining The Beaumont Society, I took my first step on my yellow brick road, however the Emerald City seemed far in the distance, and then I still wasn’t sure if I even wished to travel all the way there.
I was a senior operations engineer and a shift leader at the BBC, and not wanting to leave, when I returned to work in the New Year, I told my colleagues I was trans, and then all my relations and friends.
The nearest gender clinic to me was the Tavistock and Portman NHS Foundation Trust, and I found on there site that they accepted GP self-referrals, and after a GP appointment, my referral form was Tavistock bound, but what to do next, why I waited for a reply.
So for another step on my yellow brick road, I made an appointment with a hairdresser’s, and in early March I had my hair coloured, highlighted, cut & blow dried, and the next day had my ears pierced, two more steps taken.
Also felt body hair was not very feminine and also in March I found locally where I could have my body hair removed by the technique of sugaring, more gentle than waxing.
As for facial hair removal, and also voice feminisation speech therapy, that would be discussed at my first appointment with the gender clinic, and so I emailed the clinic about a possible date for this first appointment, and the reply was, “… unfortunately, the waiting time for a first appointment is currently over two years…”, bollocks.
Bad as over two years was, now at the Tavistock it is five-and-a-half years, insert expletive here.
A two plus year wait for another step, I don’t think so, I was fortunate that I could financially sidestep onto a parallel private bricked route, and another bit of research, led me to a laser hair removal clinic in London.
Laser hair removal works by the melanin, that gives hair its colour, absorbing the laser light energy and converting it into heat, which damages the hair follicle, although effective it is not a permanent method of hair removal, nor is it unfortunately effective on grey, unpigmented hair.
The laser was invented by Theodore Maiman, using a synthetic ruby and flashlamps on the 16th of May 1960, at Hughes Research Laboratories, then in 1996, R. Rox Anderson and Melanie Grossman discovered that a laser could damage the hair follicle, reducing hair growth.
Next the voice, time for more research, which in June, brought me to, Christella Antoni Voice & Speech Service, who I would highly recommend.
Achieving a female voice is more than raising the pitch, and a professional speech therapist can help you bring out your true feminine voice, and if you are trans male bring out your masculine voice.
Christella as developed the, VoiceUp app, which can be used as an option for practising developing feminine voice or for trans females to use along side any voice therapy they are having.
Although I had chosen my female name, I initially didn’t ask my work colleagues to use it, but as my voice began to change, I asked to be called Carolyne, and there were only a couple of instances of accidental deadnaming.
I have likened transition to embarking on a journey, and for a successful transition, one needs to bring those who know you on this journey as well, hence my gradual approach to transitioning.
I mentioned that the BBC provided information for trans staff, well 6 months into my transition, a manager, who is now a friend, from BBC’s Diversity and Inclusion, D&I department asked if I would like to join a working group to assess a Trans Insight session, provided by an external trainer.
I said I would, and found it very informative, this was then rolled out for BBC staff who wished to have a better understanding of what it meant to be trans, and how to be an ally to trans members of staff, but in the future this external training company would cease to provide this training for the BBC, and would give rise to an opportunity for someone, not a million miles from this Podcast.
I had a fair bit of grey facial hair, which was an issue for laser hair removal, fortunately the clinic could recommend an electrologist, who I switched to in July, however electrolysis is a lot slower, as it is literally one hair at a time, so takes a long time for total clearance.
Electrolysis was first used to remove ingrowing eyelashes, in 1875, by ophthalmologist Dr Charles E. Michel, then in 1916 Professor Paul M Kree developed the Galvanic method, using direct current, and in 1923, Dr. Henri Bordier developed the Thermolysis method that used high-frequency alternating current.
Finally in 1948 Henri E St. Pierre invented, with service engineer Arthur Ralph Hinkel, a combined Galvanic and Thermolysis method, called Blend, and today all three methods are still used.
However, although physical changes where progressing well, I was finding the psychological adjustment difficult, and mentioned this to Christella, and she gave me the contact details of a psychotherapist, someone we have also met before, Dr Kenneth Demsky.
It was through my therapy sessions that Dr Demsky diagnosed that I had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, OCD, and later that I was on the autistic spectrum, diagnosis of autism in adults is not easy, as some people with a neurological trait, mask, which is concealing a neurological trait, and may be done unconsciously.
I also came to understand that my periods of depression where due to me trying to live an unauthentic version of myself.
Through my therapy, I came to understand who I was, and it was towards the end of 2019 that I realised that I had to reach the Emerald City, and so I took another step which was the desire to begin Gender Affirming Hormone Therapy (GAHT), and Christella was again able to help me.
So I was progressing well, acquiring a feminine voice, relinquishing my facial hair, having psychotherapy support, then in January 2020, came news reports of a new virus, and a place in China, Wuhan, and on the 29th of January the UK had its first two confirmed cases of Covid-19.
In February, I legally changed my first name to Carolyne by Deed Poll, then had the fun of updating my; work records, council records, etc, anywhere that held my deadname.
Britain was yet to resemble scenes from “28 Days Later”, then on the 11th March 2020 the W.H.O. declared Covid-19 a global pandemic, 5 days later the UK Government advised stopping non-essential contact and travel, then on Monday the 23rd of March, the first lockdown began.
Fortunately I had completed my voice therapy course, and my psychotherapy could be online, but electrolysis and visits to the hairdresser’s stopped.
Here’s a thought, Italy had its first death from Covid on the 7th of February, two weeks earlier than Britain's first deaths, had the Government enacted the lockdown two weeks earlier, would it have perhaps reduced the eventual death toll?
I initially still went into work, but after three days was asked to work from home, which lasted nearly three months and towards the end my home working, my management team decided that shift leaders like myself should interview to become a higher grade.
Well like after returning to work after a long holiday, I had become unfamiliar with many of our systems and so failed the interview, turns out I am a bit rubbish at interviews.
In May, the first lockdown ended, and I resumed going into work, and could see my therapist, until now apart I was wearing neutral colour nail varnish, and bouses, I had not explored feminine more.
Dr Demsky suggested I might consider wearing skirts and make-up, and once I did I
wondered why I hadn’t started earlier, more steps taken, and in July mask wearing was added to outside wear when the UK made it mandatory.
Before one can start GAHT, you require a psychological assessment to determine if you have gender dysphoria, and an Endocrinology assessment.
So in June 2020, I had a private video consultation with a Dr Lenihan, who is a HM Government Registered Gender Diversity Specialist, who diagnosed that I did indeed have gender dysphoria.
I found my consultation so life affirming, and afterwards I had a smile on my face for the rest of the day.
In September 2020, as the result of an employment tribunal ruling, Ms. Rose Taylor vs. Jaguar Land Rover Limited, non-binary and other gender diverse people were now also afforded protection from all forms of discrimination, victimisation and harassment under the Equality Act 2010.
Then in October, I had a video consultation with an Endocrinologist, who explained what to expect from hormone therapy, the side effects, long-term risks, and the options to raise my estrogen level and correspondingly reduce my testosterone level.
Estrogen promotes body fat redistribution, and testosterone blocking has for some negative side effects of impotence and loss of libido, for me these were veritable positives, particularly the libido as it was the wrong kind.
At the end of the consultation I was prescribed estrogen hormone patches, the same as used to treat the menopause, the safest option if you are over thirty-five.
Testosterone blocking was an injection every twelve weeks of a, “Gonadotropin Releasing Hormone analogue”, as mentioned in, “Celebrating Trans Films - Part Two, as this has the least side effects.
Although I was aware of what to expect in terms of physical changes that GAHT would bring about, it was the profound psychological changes, which came as a very pleasant surprise.
I feel that testosterone maybe a contributor to, but in no way is an excuse for, negative male behaviour, and as my testosterone level dropped and estrogen level rose, how I perceived and interacted with the world, how can I put it, became more feminine.
Something I didn’t mention in Part One or Part Two, was porn, the thing after just a few months of being on GAHT, I no longer understood what the appeal was.
I now thought I would research gender affirming surgery, and it mentioned removing hair from your genital area as a preparation, and yes it is sometimes as painful as you might imagine.
If you remember I mentioned the long wait for a first appointment with the Tavistock, well in June 2021 the Nottingham Centre for Transgender Health Network launched a new pilot scheme, the East of England Gender Service, which was GP and nurse led, with the aim of reducing the waiting time for a gender service appointment.
Towards the end of the year I was contacted by them, and switched my gender care to them, and had my first appointment early December 2021, although by then what would usually be discussed at the first appointment was of course no longer relevant, although I did mention my wish to have gender affirming surgery.
In 2022, I had further opportunities to try and pass the interview to become a higher grade, but still failed, it turns out I am really rubbish at interviews, and I would no longer be a shift leader an would have work regular nightshifts, something I hadn’t done for fourteen years, I think not, therefore I resigned.
I had to serve a notice period, but I used my unused annual leave to reduce it to a about month and so on the 7th of July 2022, I became unemployed for the third time, however in June the Trans Insight sessions stopped, as the external company would no longer be carrying them out.
At the time the Trans Insight sessions ended, I was still a BBC employee and therefore heard internally about this, so I feel that I can only make this observation, don’t believe everything you read.
Knowing that I would be leaving soon, my manager friend from D&I, asked would I be interested in helping to create an internal Trans Insight session, that I would co-present,
needless to say I jumped at the chance, of 4 months works as a freelancer.
During 2023 as well co-presenting a number of Trans Insight sessions, I had two assessments by two different doctors from the East of England Gender Service, a pre-requisite before gender affirming surgery, and as both agreed surgery was in my best interest, all was good, except.
In June that my depression returned with a vengeance, this time I knew the cause, it was because I was no longer working, however after phone GP appointment I was prescribed anti-depression tablets, first at a low does, then it was gradually increased to the maximum, which I am still on.
I was also given the contact of a social prescriber, who mentioned garden therapy, at which I met someone who would become a great friend, however post surgery I stopping going, but then learnt of craft therapy where my friend and I go once weeks, becoming very good at jigsaw puzzles.
Towards the end of 2023 I saw my surgeon, where they explained the technique of the procedure, which is called a penal inversion, and is considered the gold standard for gender affirming surgery, they also explained what could go wrong in rare cases, it was quite a lot of information to take in.
My understanding of the surgery, which may make anyone happy with their penis, squirm, is, the testes and erectile tissue is removed, part of the end of the penis is reshaped to form a neo-clitoris, interestingly the dorsal nerve connected to it, is the same as to the clitoris in cisgender women.
The urethra is reduce in length, and it and the neo-clitoris is position where it would be on a
cisgender women, and the scrotum skin, is used to form the labia majora and minora.
There were a few more Trans Insight sessions during 2024, and before I knew it my surgical date was approaching, however before my surgery I had an appointment for a pre-surgical check, and then on Monday the 15th of July 2024, the day after I checked into the Emerald City, AKA the hospital, I had my genital reconstruction surgery.
When I came round in the recovery area, I experienced for the second time a feeling of pure happiness, the first was when I said aloud that I was trans.
Interestingly in the UK and Republic of Ireland, surgeons are not called doctor but if they are male Mr, or MS, Mrs or Miss, if female, because historically physicians studied for a medical degree at a university, and therefore were awarded title Doctor, whereas surgeons trained via an apprenticeship and therefore had the honorific title Mr, as then I don’t believe there where any female surgeons.
I stayed in hospital for about a week, and before I left I was taught how to dilate, which is
which is where you insert into your neo-vagina, well it kind of looks like a hard plastic dildo, first a small diameter for 5 minutes and then a larger one for 15 minutes.
This is repeated 3 times a day for 2 months, and then the frequency decreases to twice, then once, and until after a year once a week for 5 minutes with the larger size, and why al this dilating well your body thinks you brand spanking new vagina is a wound and tries to heal it, nooo.
And for a while my genital area resembled a colour scheme that would not have been unfamiliar to Francis Bacon.
After I left hospital I stayed with a relation for two weeks and then went home, and for quite a while I couldn’t lift anything heavier than a pint of milk.
My therapy session were back being online, any it was during this time that the idea for a Podcast began to develop, and in mid November 2024, I began to write the script for what would be the first episode, “In The Beginning”, which took three and a half months to write, before it was published on the 22nd of February 2025.
Now I aim for every three weeks, although this episode, although covering the shortest period if time, just under seven years, has taken fours weeks.
So all was good with the world, my body was now in alignment with my gender identity, and I found researching my Podcast episodes intellectually stimulating, and then on Wednesday the 16th of April 2025 there was the Supreme Court judgment, in the case, For Women Scotland Ltd (Appellant) v The Scottish Ministers (Respondent).
It was this judgment, discussed in the episode, “Trans Lives Matter”, that was I alluding to in Part Two as an “…awful coda to the Equality Act 2010.
And that wasn’t the only consequence of that judgment, as before it was delivered, I contacted the BBC in March 2025, to let them know my recovery was going well, and there would be no issues with me co-presenting a Trans Insight Session, which also discusses being non-binary.
I was told there was some uncertainty in regards of training, then seven months later on the 12th of October I learnt, as a result of a freedom of information request submitted to the BBC, the Trans Insight and another diversity and inclusion session, LGBTQIA+ Allies, had been paused.
The reason given was that the BBC was investigating if “sex”, was correctly used in these presentations, well I checked the script used for the Trans Insight presentation, it took less than five minutes, and I could see nothing wrong in how sex was used.
Well not wishing to end this episode on a downer.
The Good Law Project believe, as a result of this ruling, that the UK is now in breach of its obligations under the Human Rights Act and the European Convention of Human Rights and they plan to ask the High Court for a declaration of incompatibility, finders crossed.
This episode was written and presented by me, Carolyne O’Reilly, thank you for listening.
Next time, “What’s Up Doc!”